Finding Peace. And Sleep.

In keeping with my last post, we find the things we seek. If we seek God, we will find Him. If we seek the bad opportunities, we will find them. If we seek love, it will be impossible to deny it. And if we seek the good in the world, we will see it everyday.

To me, it is so heartbreaking to see the very real, everyday temptations and harmful things on the Internet. Sometimes I have searched for these things - and they have indeed broken my heart, or worse - God's heart. Either through knowing me or just from reading this blog, you surely understand by now that I am an optimist. I want to believe in the good in the world, and I know the good that is my God. So through this blog, I hope to create a place of happiness. A place of hope. A place to find solace. This is what I find through my Saviour - Jesus Christ - and I hope that I can share that with you (:

"My health may fail, and my strength may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart. He is mine forever."

Psalm 73:26

Sometimes I find it really difficult to pray to God, even though I love Him so much. This may be because I don't stay focused or I'm scared to say whatever I am really feeling/what is on my heart. I had a really tough night last night, where I knew I needed to spend time with God, but I denied it. Not until I wrote the following letter to Him (as my prayer) did I feel a sense of peace and was able to sleep.

Dear God,

Sometimes I find it really difficult to pray to you or to tell you the things on my heart. I’m not sure why because so often I have pledged to myself that you are my only 2 a.m. phone call.  I have left your side so many times in these 23 years, but, trust me, this was not my intention. I made the mistakes that your word prophesied we would do, but I know through that same book - and personal experience - that once we find You again Your love still remains and there is purpose to this shortcoming.

I don’t know where I stand tonight, God. Maybe that’s because I knew that I needed a night to talk to you, but I rejected it. I need you so much in this life. So much. Without you, I have gone so far off track. I know what I deserve God. Perfect love is detailed in 1 Corinthians 13. I know that doesn’t exist on Earth, but only in Heaven.  However, I deserve to be in a love that exemplifies those verses, that strives to be like those verses, that understands the meaning of those verses. I don’t deserve to be in something where I have to back track, worry constantly, wonder what my mate is doing behind my back, or in something that makes me doubt his love for me. I don’t deserve that by any means. No one does.

I’m so scared of love on earth because it has burned me so many times., yet I have still sought it.  Your love is unfailing, yet I have denied it.  Tonight I want to thank you for reminding me that I am worth pursuing. I want to thank you for loving me unconditionally.  I think about how much my earthly father loves me and how that is the only definition I know of unconditional love.  With this knowledge, I know it pales in comparison to the love you have for your sons and daughters. Thank you for that.  Thank you for pursuing me.  Thank you for choosing me to be one of your daughters, one of your seekers, one of your followers, one of your soldiers, one of  your friends, one of your disciples, one of your evangelists, one of your kingdom.

I can’t wait until the day I see you face to face.  Tonight I think about my happiest moments in this life. I think about the days that the smile could not be wiped from my face and tears flowed but only from joy. I know the day I see your face will bring me infinitely more happiness than those days ever brought me.  We will sit and chat. Just chat. You will provide me the answers to life’s toughest questions.  You will tell me everything from how you formed the brain piece by piece to why love is so hard. You will explain to me why people that love you so much had to suffer in this life and why incidents like the Sandy Hook and VA Tech shootings happened.  You will explain to me why I was so close to my father growing up, but my mother and I didn't have that kind of relationship until later.  You will explain to me how you formed me in the womb and decided that I should have my father’s eyes and my mother’s nose.  You will explain why I left your side and why people in the world deny you. You will explain how you had your hand on me even during those times I was unfaithful. We will laugh, and we may even cry, but our hearts and souls will be at peace. This is a feeling that I have not often felt.

I couldn’t really make sense of this letter, while I was writing it. I kind of feel all over the place in it. But there is a link. I am in awe. I am in awe of who you are and all you have done for me. I am in awe of the fact that no matter how many times I have left your side and promised not to, you have still remained faithful to me. I will never be able to repay you in this life because you have done so much for me. But I will try my hardest. I want to live the rest of my life with you by my side. You’re the only one that we can count on to never leave us. To never forsake us. 

Forever yours.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33